Tonight, a girl I barely remember from high school poked me. When I received it, I IM’d my hubby, telling him that this girl I didn’t really like or know wanted to be my “friend”. To be honest, I think I always found her to be a little weird-she walked funny, I remember, and had a strange slow way of talking.
I think a big part of my issue was that she thought I was great. Followed me around a bit, tried to fit in with the group. Tried to please me. Give me a break.
My husband of course put me in my place, telling me maybe I wasn’t as great as I seemed to think I was. (Aren’t you just the hot shit, is what he said).
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that back then, I didn’t object to her hanging around me. It wasn’t because she worshipped me and thought I was cool…I just didn’t question her right to be there. It was a time in my life that I was 100% confident in who I was and where I belonged. I didn’t have to worry about this so-called loser, because she wasn’t one. She was just…her. Yeah, she annoyed me, but I had no reason to jockey for position, or to push her out, I was, she was, we all just were.
Things would change after I moved away, to a new school-constant push and pull for friends, can’t lose my place with this friend or that. I still had “marginal” friends-geeks, potheads, gunners, speds, heads…but I sure did my best to keep them all from knowing each other. Or, from knowing that I knew them all. I was a chameleon, blending in as needed. That sucks the big one. Sadly, it took this long for me to realize…what shitty shallowness.
Even today, back at school, the teacher this time, still jockeying for position, looking for an angle to best fit in, to get what I need. There are still the “cool kids” but I think, even at 36 that the cool kids are the ones who don’t give a crap. I’m working on that. Ha.
So I poked this girl back…a girl I had not thought of since I moved from that northern hinterland…but someone who, unless she was just randomly poking people from the yearbook, I obviously impressed in some way…thank goodness we grow up a little bit. A little bit.